April 10, 2001

The Last Mile Octopus

Before paddling off into the sunset I though I would report the discovery of a very unusual creature found in the wind whipped waters of Southeast Alaska. Now I must tell you that no one has actually seen this mysterious creature but many paddlers in Alaska will swear to its' existence.

The creature lives near popular remote camping sites and popular take outs. It also lives upwind, never down wind. We call it "The Last Mile Octopus"

It behaves in this way. It appears to wait about a mile off shore hiding in the depths of the sea. When it spots a tired paddler (apparently it can tell by the labored paddle strokes, the groans of the paddler and the over reliance on the rudder.) After spotting it's victim it slowly rises up from the depths and gently attaches a single tentacle to the underside of the kayak. Then slowly it spreads out its remaining seven tentacles acting as a giant sea anchor. It then begins to grab at seaweed, kelp, rocks and old anchors. Apparently it possess two extra limbs that are thin and translucent that slowly wrap around the paddle blade and weight it down. Paddlers do not actually see the tentacles around the paddle because prior to grabbing the paddle the Last Mile Octopus send out two other tentacles which splashed up sea spray to blind the paddler. Paddlers wearing glasses are particularly vulnerable to this.

When the weary paddler finally reaches shore the Last Mile Octopus is not through with its tricks. As the weary paddler gets ready to get out of the boat the Last Mile Octopus flicks a tentacle and knocks valuable items into the water> Glasses, GPS units, radios ect. The Last Mile Octopus seems to be attracted especially to items that a.) are not waterproof, b.) cost a heck of a lot and c.) sink fast. Now the paddler weary and frustrated steps out of the kayak only to discover the Octopus has another trick up his many, many sleeves. As the paddler goes to step on land the Octopus reaches out , grabs an ankle and "splat" the paddler falls flat on his or her face. The muddier the shore and the more people watching seem to be factors for when the Last Mile Octopus is most likely to pull this trick.

Now while the paddler sits in the mud with some landlubber standing there asking "did you mean to do that?", the Last Mile Octopus pulls one last trick. It grabs the boat (which the paddler thinks he/she has pulled up far enough on the beach to be safe), pulls it back into the water. Now the paddler has no choice but to wade crotch deep into the Octopus domain to retrieve his or her boat. A few drysuit wearers have reported their pee zippers suddenly coming unzipped at this point. Though some scientists think this to be mating behavior but others think it is just another pain in the butt habit of the Octopus.

As I said at the beginning no one has actually seen this critter but the evidence is overwhelming. Many a day after a long paddle I have noticed that the last mile of the paddle is by far the longest and the most tiring, not to mention the number of times I have fallen on my face getting out of the boat and the many times my boat has slid back into the water.

The Last Mile Octopus has been reported in other area outside Alaska and their maybe a fresh water cousin found on windy lakes frequented by canoes. Beware of this foul creature of the deep and remember it is most likely to strike on a long all day paddle into the wind.

Bob

Sitka -home of the biggest, and most mischievous Last Mile Octopus of them all.

Copyright 2001 by Rev Bob Carter.
May not be reproduced or redistributed without author's permission.
Originally posted on Paddlewise mailing list on 4/10/2001.
Republished here with permission.